On Coming Back to Life

I’m experiencing this weird phenomenon now; I’m not sure many other people can relate. It all started after I recently ‘got sick’ with a cold for the first time in years. The fevers, the aches, the seemingly never-ending stream of mucous that was flowing from my face all made me feel more alive than I have felt in a long, long while. This very normal, very animistic experience brought me to the realization that for the first time in over two years, I am no longer inhabiting a dying body.

Instead of living in a constant state of physical stagnation, my hair now is growing, my skin is supple, and my immune system is responding to foreign invaders. This is bringing about feelings of confusion. Of bizarre grief over the loss of the dying body, and of sadness thinking that I existed in the state, unaware of the severity of my illness, for so long. A new self-consciousness has emerged. That others around me doubtless witnessed this overt deadness, while I flitted about, in complete disbelief of it. At the time, I was in no mental state to comprehend this. (Had I been, I probably would have sought out medical attention sooner, but that is another story all together)

Mushroom growing in the Chernobyl exclusion zone 30 years post-explosion.

 

I am coming back to life in a way I have never experienced before. The feeling is very surreal and deeply disturbing.

 

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One thought on “On Coming Back to Life

  1. Yes, I can very much relate to this experience. Along with the ability to experience and feel certain emotions. I remember one time, it being extremely disturbing, even though it might have been seen as a “positive” feeling, it also felt horrible, and scary. I reminded myself though, that we can learn to adapt to such things, for them to be more “normal” without them seeming so intense. And if we want to get “better” or whatever, that is something we will have to go through at least temporarily, as much as the disordered side wants to scream and revolt.

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