The following are excerpts taken from a journal that I kept during my first residential treatment stay in Cambridge, MA from April to July of 2010.
GOAL: Keep riding the positive wave I’ve been on for the past few days.
Could be the weather, its been gorgeous and sunny and promises to stay that way until the midweek. Not bad for the first week of May in New England, hell I’ll take it. I’ve been in a good/fair mood for a while and it feels damn good. Still having some uncomfortable stomachache/IBS probs especially after meals, but who’s to blame but myself, right?
Yesterday my BP or pulse was too low for staff here to allow me to go on the daily group outing which was quite sucky. I actually started to feel some genuine concern for my health with the vitals thing–I’ve been eating all the prescribed meals and snacks ((that are getting bigger as the days go on)), taking care of myself, sleeping, etc. Maybe my body is going into catatonic shock from all this self-care, hah! Haven’t eaten this much on a regular basis and slept so regularly in over a year (more realistically, the last time I ate/slept this well was probably the last time I was in treatment in ’05 @ Klarman), which is pretty sad, but realistic by all means.
Yesterday totally utterly sucked beyond compare. Oh, by my fat ass’ opinion I did fine eating all my fucking meals and snacks, which included 2 fatty slices of fucking pizza AND greasy green beans AND an apple with more fat put on it for extra goddamn measure . . . I should have skipped that meal. I felt fucking huge and fat and gross after shoving it all in my face, where I would have felt hungry and accomplished had I refused it. Stupid stupid sad dumb fuck feeding my fat face all this shit that I DO NOT WANT OR NEED.
Well when do I start feeling better, I feel defeated and hate myself that much more after eating fucking pizza and ommeletts and cupcakes and all the other asst. shit they put in front of my face and set the timer on me to mow down.
I feel gross.
Fat. Ugly. Lazy.
An Unloved waste of fucking space, time, and energy.